Straight from the pen: Marjolein

26 March 2020 / Topical / Blog Marjolein

In a reality in which everything is suddenly different, it feels familiar to fall back on old certainties. Now that the five of us have been home for a week and a half and my role as a parent has expanded to include that of teacher, sports instructor, playmate, planner and enforcer, I long for a moment of relaxation that I can't find.

In addition to the alcohol break, I took sports seriously at the beginning of this year. But my rhythm is so messed up that I can't motivate myself anymore. After a day of all sorts of things that don't go well for me, I spend an evening emailing teachers and preparing lessons for the next day. In the time that is left to myself, I don't get much further than reading news stories and filling my head with troubling information about an uncertain future. All in all, we can conclude that I am not in the best shape mentally and physically at the moment.

Last week I was very firm that I no longer needed the alcohol, that I was stronger. But now I find myself snooping for that bottle of red wine for two days now. That I long for the feeling of relaxation that sets in after a few sips. So my resolve to complete the 100 days is wavering. Why am I so hard on myself in these difficult times? Why don't I give in and start worrying about things that are more important? Those are the questions the little devil on my shoulder keeps whispering in my ears.

But I still hold on. Because I know the glass of wine isn't going to help me. That the relaxation in the bottle is only temporary and that the reality will be no different tomorrow. The only way to find relaxation in these confusing times is through acceptance and surrender. And I'm holding out because I really want to prove this to myself. But now I have promised myself that I can try another glass at Easter.

 

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